Don’t Advertise, PADvertise: Catch Readers With Their Pants Down

advertising, book ads, book spam, book marketing, humor, Kristen Lamb, advertise

advertising, book ads, book spam, book marketing, humor, Kristen Lamb, advertise

Book spam is so yesterday.

Seems writers are always looking for some new way to advertise their books, which is fine…but some folks have gone more than a little bit cray-cray. I finally fled Twitter, by and large, because it’s next to impossible to locate real hoo-mans among all the automation. My email has pretty much gone feral as well, but meh.

Today, let’s have some fun at the bots’ expense, shall we?

Okay, any of you who regularly follow my blog know that I am totally out of my mind a bit eccentric. I’m reposting this blog because a) I’ve been flattened with bronchial pneumonia b) I have to travel and c) this post never stops being funny…especially if you’re like me and have the same sense of humor as a fourteen-year-old boy.

This post was inspired when I was speaking in Idaho. I’d excused myself to the ladies’ room and, as I closed the door to the stall, I noticed all the advertising on the back of the bathroom door. This cluttered wall of ads made me think about all the authors spamming non-stop about their books on social media and via email.

Writers were becoming worse than an MLM rep crossed with a Jehovah’s Witness. Could the author book promotion get any more invasive?


Maybe it could.

I’ve blogged so many times about the dangers of automation and how spamming people is counterproductive. I’ve talked until I am blue about how the non-stop blitz of advertising our books has a terrible ROI (return on investment) and how most people don’t pay attention to it.

Ah, but then it hit me.

The main reason advertising doesn’t work is because people ignore it and no longer see it, but what would they see?

Go big or go home, people.

Panty Prose—Not Advertising, Padvertising (TM)

We all know that roughly 85% of readers are women, and what do women need? Panty liners. YES, but what do they need more than springtime fresh girl parts? More FREE! books. Indie authors shouldn’t spam about their latest book release or be advertising their free title on KDP select.


Because when we advertise at the expense of authenticity it’s a dirtbag move? No! Because it’s self-serving and obnoxious? Not quite. Because it smacks of desperation? Not at all. The reason authors shouldn’t spam about their books is because spam is for amateurs.

The business savvy author of the digital age doesn’t settle on blasting out non-stop self-promotional tweets to advertise. That is SO 2014. The REAL writer of the digital age realizes a captive audience is a a buying audience.

This is 2020 people.

Catch readers with their pants down with Panty Prose.

Panty Prose is perfect for the indie author. Most readers are female and even females need something to read in the bathroom. We at Panty Prose (a new imaginary division of W.A.N.A. International) have teamed up with Always against their will to offer your readers the best deals right in their pants.


Advertise smarter.

Panty Prose not only offers you PADvertising to a guaranteed clientele, but we have all kinds of layouts to suit your PADvertising needs. Technology is your friend with Panty Prose. Want to advertise?

Put your book where it counts…

advertising, book ads, book spam, book marketing, humor, Kristen Lamb, advertise

advertising, book ads, book spam, book marketing, humor, Kristen Lamb, advertise

Sell like a pro!

At Panty Prose, we even make it affordable for you to place your face in your reader’s pants…

advertising, book ads, book spam, book marketing, humor, Kristen Lamb

advertising, book ads, book spam, book marketing, humor, Kristen Lamb

Affordable packages available SOON!

As you can see, Panty Prose is inserting your ads into a virgin market begging to be tapped.

*blank stare*

Why are all the romance authors giggling? You’re being very distracting.

Anyway, while others might see a protective strip that gets tossed in the bin, we see an unused space to advertise—no to PADvertise—your latest novel AND save trees! Instead of throwing away that paper strip, we can print off lines from your book so fans can collect them ALL…

advertising, book ads, book spam, book marketing, humor, Kristen Lamb, advertise

advertising, book ads, book spam, book marketing, humor, Kristen Lamb, advertise

Make readers your fans for ALWAYS….

Panty Prose is dedicated to keeping women fresh while selling your books. Attending a writing conference? Well, there is a bathroom and everyone knows that even agents can’t hold it forever.

Why not help them out? Keep them springtime fresh and give them your query. Elevator pitches are for losers, when you can use the Panty Pitch. The Panty Pitch comes in three fragrances, Sonnet’s Eve, New Office Supplies, and Cinnabon.

Advertise with the Panty Pitch:

advertise, book marketing, book advertising, humor, book promotion, how to sell more books, Kristen Lamb

advertise, book marketing, book advertising, humor, book promotion, how to sell more books, Kristen Lamb

Panty Prose for the Published Professional is a smart, savvy way to advertise and stand out from all the competition that’s still relying on scheduled tweets and blasting out spammy emails. Make an impression that will last for Always.

Much like this post. I’d blame the meds but this is a reblog from years ago.

Advertising, Absurdism & Sometimes You Gotta Just LAUGH

advertise, book marketing, book advertising, humor, book promotion, how to sell more books, Kristen Lamb

advertise, book marketing, book advertising, humor, book promotion, how to sell more books, Kristen Lamb

In all fairness, I spent an entire day ‘Photoshopping’ my face onto panty liner strips to make a point—other than all my primary school teachers were correct when they checked, ‘Does Not Use Time Wisely’ on every report card EVER.

We’ve probably all done the dumb stuff because some ‘expert’ said it was a bright idea. I have. I almost named my first social media book, ‘I Did All the Dumb Crap So You Don’t Have To.’ But it was a bit long to try to fit on a cover.

The best way to sell books is to hunker down, and embrace the hurt locker that is our profession and write incredible stories readers will discover then fall in love with. Learning our craft is tough. It’s a long process, but once you start gaining skill and mastery, it’s worth it.

Sure, we can advertise, but that’s really not going to drive sales the way good old fashioned word of mouth will.

Go to this post, On Writing: Why Mastery Should Matter to the Serious Author. I have a LONG list of resources, colleagues I respect, mentors who helped grow me from a primordial ooze of purple prose into the comedic GENIUS unafraid to be on a panty liner to make a point 😛 .

#1 at HUMBLE!

My life lately….

I’m also extending the New Year’s sale on the classes through January because I cannot get rid of this freaking cough. So seems like we might as well have the On Demand specials going until I am back fit for active duty.

Pneumonia is a beast. But I hope you will treat yourself to these classes before they’re deleted to make room for new classes.


What are your thoughts? Other than I have lost my mind. Are you weary of the non-stop spamming? The barrage of tweets crapping up all the interesting hashtags on Twitter? Tired of being force-added to mailing lists of authors you’ve never heard of all trying to give you a FREE book?

In the meantime, it all goes back to what I have preached since the get-go. Learn how to write AMAZING stories and cultivate an audience. I teach all how to do that and those classes are all on sale right now.


If you really want to deep-dive how to write these incredible genres that are HOT, HOT, HOT, please check out the ON DEMAND CLASSES by #1 best-selling author Maria Grace that you can enjoy from the comfort of HOME.

Beam me UP!

More Than Crop Circles: Intro to Science (and Speculative) Fiction $45

Use Thrill10 for $10 off

Speculative Fiction World-Building $45

Use Thrill10 for $10 off

Populating Planet X: Character-Building for Science (and Speculative) Fiction $45

Use Thrill10 for $10 off

Or Get them ALL for ONE LOW PRICE

Twilight Zone Special: All THREE Classes $99 (that’s over TEN hours of training). Makes it $33 a class for those who can’t math 😉 .

I’ve also extended the holiday sales on all classes listed below to January 31st. Get them before they’re deleted.

And to prove it and show my love, for the month of JANUARY, everyone who leaves a comment I will put your name in a hat. If you comment and link back to my blog on your blog, you get your name in the hat twice. What do you win? The unvarnished truth from yours truly.

I will pick a winner once a month and it will be a critique of the first 20 pages (5K words) of your novel, or your query letter, or your synopsis (5 pages or fewer). 

***I will announce December’s winner once I feel better. I’m recovering from bronchial pneumonia.

In the meantime, PLEASE treat yourself to a class! We have a TON of classes that we will be deleting or putting into cold storage come end of January (I’m extending the sales to January 31st since I’ve been too sick to teach new classes).

These will no longer be available after January 31st, so STOCK UP while you can.

NEW Year, New YOU! ROAR into the TWENTIES!


HIGHLY RECOMMEND–> On Demand: How to Write Deep POV

By #1 Best Selling Author Maria Grace! Normally $55 now $30

ON DEMAND Dark Arts: New Year’s SPECIAL Building Your Villain

Usually $55 and until January 31st is only $30.

Three hours of psychopaths, sociopaths, narcissists, pathology and how that applies to writing.

It is like the Behavioral Analysis Unit for Authors. Tres FUN! Villains are some of the most enduring characters in literature. Why not add your own legends to the list?

I’m also offering:

The Art of Character NEW YEAR’S SPECIAL: Writing Characters for a SERIES ON DEMAND

Normally $65 and NOW only $40.

FOUR hours of training on characters on how to develop characters that that can go the distance.

Bring on the Binge: How to Plot and Write a Series (ON DEMAND). 

Normally $65 and NOW only $40. Pairs PERFECTLY with The Art of Character for Series.

ON DEMAND! New Year’s Sale! Story Master: From Dream to DONE

Usually $55, now ONLY $30.

This class is to train you how to plot whether you’re a plotter, a pantser or a mix of both. It’s also a crash course in creating dimensional characters.

Usually $55 and now only $25.

This is a THREE-HOUR class on guns, knives, weapons, fighting, law enforcement (from local cops to international espionage) and more. Everything you need to build a bad@$$—male OR female—and get the details CORRECT.

Spilling the New Year’s Tea: On Demand Blogging for Authors

Usually $75 and now only $40.

Get prepped and ready for the new year, new you, new blog.

Use New20 for $20 off

Popular On Demand Classes

Need some help with platform and branding?

Use brand10 for $10 off.

For the complete list, go to the OnDemand Section.

Kristen Lamb

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Kristen Lamb